A Day in the Life…
Here’s a glimpse into my typical day (hold on to your butts…this is going to get wild):
- Wake up 30 minutes late, and rush through my morning routine (I guess if I rush through it every morning I should just accept the fact that “rushing” is as essential part of the ritual…)
- Drive to work, plop my ass in my rolling chair, (pretend) to process bids / contracts for 4 hours.
- Go home for lunch, and see my beloved LEO before she leaves for her shift.
- Drive back to work, plop my ass once more in my rolling chair, and hurry through all of the work I was pretending to do that morning for 4 more hours.
- Go to the gym…most of the time…okay, some of the time.
- Go home, cook dinner, and watch Netflix while yelling at our 4 dogs to “be quiet, I’m busy being angry that they killed off Dana!” (because all lesbians only watch The L Word on repeat…oh spoiler alert.)
That was truly thrilling. I know.
Now, here is what my LEO’s day usually looks like:
- Wake up around 11 am, and do some homework for her Master’s program.
- Prepare lunch and dinner, while she eats a “scrumptious” vegan breakfast (Yes she is vegan. And yes she is that gay.)
- Get dressed for work so that she can look “tacticool” as fuck, and also not die. (Seriously…she looks like a dark blue, Kydex, Kevlar, and black matte metal Christmas tree…a deadly, deadly Christmas tree.)
- Hop in the trusty Crown Vic that WILL. NOT. DIE…and drive to her zone where the chaos begins.
- Some situations she might encounter include:
- Domestic violence
- Dying children or child abuse
- Being shot at
- Shooting at someone
- Sex trafficking
- Fatal car accidents
- Wash the blood and various unidentifiable fluids off her gloves, and squeeze in a few meals between all of that fun if she even has time to eat.
- Head home, and pretend like she didn’t just get a heavy helping of crazy to contribute to her cumulative PTSD brain stew.
So you can see how it is completely reasonable that I am the one who cries for no reason on a regular basis.
What do you mean I’m not allowed to have feelings?
There have been times when my LEO has been working a double shift / off duty, or simply staying late, because the city lost it’s damn mind, that I have turned to the internet for comfort as we millennials tend to do. Everything I found was completely unsatisfying.
I searched for forums to discuss my fears with people who could relate, but no one could because all of their LEOs seem to be cis-men. I searched for blogs to read to pass the time until my LEO could make it home where I knew she was safe and sound, but all of the blogs were about spousal martyrdom in the name of their LEO husband’s mental health. Essentially, most of the hetero-normative Police Wives seemed to believe that the only way to be with a police officer was to value the LEOs emotional well being above their own, shit on anything they deem too “PC”, and pray to their lord and savior Jesus Christ to keep their hero hubby out of harms way.
I think that is a bunch of horseshit.
Don’t get me wrong, being with an LEO can be tough, and I don’t particularly like sleeping alone. In fact, I am a big ol’ baby about it. But I don’t think facing my fear of the boogie man while safe and sound in my bed is a sacrifice that should be celebrated as a service to my community and country. I am engaged to a police officer, and I will support her through anything…any-fucking-thing. But that just means I’m a good partner. It doesn’t mean that I am owed recognition.
I understand why these ladies reach out for attention and recognition for their sacrifice. Those of us that are partnered with police officers know that we give up date nights, birthday celebrations, not sitting in the back row of a movie theater, and sitting unthinkingly in a seat at a restaurant without giving up the spot with a view of the most exits. The difference is that I try not to swallow my emotions in favor of my LEOs, so I do not need the band-aid of public recognition of my immolation so I don’t “have a sad”. In fact, a good partner does not neglect their needs in favor of the other’s.
According to Steven Stosney, PhD. and writer for Psychology Today, “People with high self-value necessarily value others.” In other words, it is impossible to sustain valuing your partner if you do not value yourself. You can read more about why “You are The Way You Value and Devalue”, here.
So yea. Sometimes I cry for no reason, and my LEO sweetly comforts me until I feel better. That doesn’t make me a bad partner. I just do my best not to burden her with my emotions when I know she is having a hard time or stressed out, and she returns the favor. We are equals, and there is an attitude of value no matter how frivolous or devastating an experience may be. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to be stressed. I’m allowed to be human.
Feel free to vilify me in the comments!
– Peace and love,